heck...
i never ever felt that vulnerable before

the best thing i could do
the best thing i enjoyed
the best thing i ever did

and again and again i failed
i really didn't understand why i never get a prize for my watercolour
i'm not that big-headed
not that i wanted to surely get no 1
hell i didn't get any
consolation or whatever


why?why? why?


all this years
i tried and tried
comics i tried to learn from lumix and ak
watercolour i tried to learn from uncle lala
i look at what they did
i copied
i copied and copied and copied
i spent time admiring their work and drew a duplicate went i first got home
i bought a tablet and fumbled throught the programs
and here i am still standing at the starting point
i took the effort to get hold of everything the best way i could
and after all
what was my effort?
rubbish???


maybe i had my turns
i got so many last time
maybe its a way of letting others...................
maybe............


how do i be confident in myself
when eveytime i grew confident
it was the time to be turned down
to be dissapointed
doubtfulness altogether
of incapability or whatever...........